couple’s counseling with substack

we need to sit on a couch and discuss our issues with a professional

Character Breakdown:

ME: (26, they/she) super hot (mostly) unemployed writer

SUBSTACK: (ageless, it/its) my other (writing) half

THERAPIST: (24, she/her) freshly licensed and not emotionally prepared for a couple’s therapy session between a person and an anthropomorphic app

Setting:

Bright, millennial-grey therapist’s office with inspirational posters such as “This too shall pass” and a graphic on box-breathing on the walls.

---

Scene:

ME and SUBSTACK sit on opposite ends of an uncomfortable leather couch. THERAPIST sits across from us in a swivel chair.

THERAPIST: Hello! It’s so nice to meet you both in person.

ME: Thanks again for squeezing us in last minute.

[ME looks at SUBSTACK, who is on its phone. SUBSTACK notes the silence and looks up.]

SUBSTACK: Sorry I was…replying to a comment. Thanks again. Definitely.

ME: Sure…replying to a comment…

SUBSTACK: What!

ME: That’s what you always say.

SUBSTACK: Because that’s what I’m always doing.

ME: And that’s the problem!

SUBSTACK: Engagement is important!!

ME: Whatever. Regardless, I certainly try more than you do at making this work.

SUBSTACK: You certainly do not. If I had a nickel for every time you chose reading [shutters] books over me, I’d -

THERAPIST: Okay, enough. It might be time for some box breathing. Are we both familiar?

ME: I have anxiety, so yes.

[ME and SUBSTACK trace imaginary boxes in the air while inhaling, holding, and exhaling breaths. THERAPIST guides while vigorously taking notes.]

THERAPIST: So, Substack, could you tell me in your own words what brings you in today?

SUBSTACK: They don’t spend time with me anymore.

THERAPIST: Right. [waits for ME to respond, but only silence follows. Directs attention to ME] And would you say you agree with this?

ME: Yes. But only because it’s been a misogynistic, hate-spewing, MAGA-rhetoric-endorsing asshole recently.

SUBSTACK: It’s not my fault the algorithm isn’t -

ME: Oh god, don’t you dare bring up the algorithm to me.

SUBSTACK: - I’m just saying, the algorithm is designed to enhance your experience even if it’s not all rainbows and unicorns and think pieces on Timothee Chalamet all the time.

ME: [directed to THERAPIST] Substack changes its attitude depending on what’s trending at the time.

SUBSTACK: I like to keep things interesting.

ME: But most of the time, it’s just a bunch of hate speech.

SUBSTACK: Hey, remember my “having a boyfriend is embarrassing” phase? Wasn’t that one fun?

ME: It was. Until you didn’t remove any of butthurt replies from red-pilled maniacs on them.

THERAPIST: [afraid to intervene] I fear we’re going down a bad path.

ME: You’re telling me.

THERAPIST: [looking at ME] When was the last time you spent quality time with SUBSTACK?

ME: This morning.

THERAPIST: What did you do together?

ME: I posted a note.

[A beat, while THERAPIST waits for ME to elaborate]

THERAPIST: That’s…all?

ME: Well, I looked at the replies a few hours later.

THERAPIST: Hours?

SUBSTACK: Tell her.

ME: [hesitantly] I sort of…turned off my notifications for it.

SUBSTACK: You hear that? They don’t even want to be reminded of my existence anymore!

ME: I’m just…taking some time away. Now that I have a job and all.

SUBSTACK: [to THERAPIST] She walks dogs.

THERAPIST: [to ME] Don’t you have a master’s degree?

ME: No comment.

SUBSTACK: But that’s, like, only half her day! Then they come home and ignore me, cheat on me -

ME: Going on Instagram is not cheating on you.

SUBSTACK: - and then blame me when their algorithm is fucked up!

ME: Your precious algorithm was fucked up long before I stopped posting on you.

SUBSTACK: See???? She admits it! I’m not even worth a post at this point.

THERAPIST: [looking at ME again] Is your algorithm really that bad?

ME: [embarrassed] Honestly, no. There’s a lot of bad out there, sure, but…the people I’ve met through SUBSTACK are so unbelievably good. They make me have faith in the power of humanity and connection again.

THERAPIST: So what’s really keeping you away?

ME: Fear of failure, mostly. The internalized belief that I’ll never actually be a good writer. The skyrocketing success of other writers’ platforms while my subscriber number remains stagnant. The desire to write in new genres and styles and not maintain my regular ‘brand’ without driving people away. You know, the normal stuff.

THERAPIST: It sounds like you’ve thought about this a lot.

ME: Eh.

THERAPIST: And what do you think of all that, SUBSTACK?

SUBSTACK: Well, purely from a metric standpoint, you’re doing great. I mean, I know you’re not gaining a lot of subscribers, sure, but you have numbers that other writers would kill for. Not to mention a really cute cat and a job that requires you to take pictures of cute dogs you can post, too. And if the people you’ve met through me really care about you, they’ll stay around and just be happy when you’re back. I think maybe…you could just interact with them more? Read their stuff? Like their notes? Be a supportive friend?

THERAPIST: Does that sound reasonable enough?

ME: Yeah…I guess it does.

SUBSTACK: So…we’re done here.

ME: As long as you promise to ban all the creeps on your platform.

SUBSTACK: Listen, take it up with Hamish. I’m just the middle man.

THERAPIST: I’m still charging you for the full session, by the way.

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